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It is often said we in Australia suffer from a tyranny of distance. Family, art and history, industry – it all dwells on the other side of some very large bodies of water.
Thankfully, we are a clever and adaptable bunch. Rather than thinking along the lines of many Northern Hemisphere folks, and cobble lists of must-haves when stranded on a deserted island, we apply ourselves vigorously to the enterprise of moving large quantities of our best products to the remotest of markets.
So it is no surprise that our resident logistics expert, Ross “Dragonslayer” Millard was recently contacted by one of the various international think-tanks planning a manned expedition to Mars. Being a man of pedigree in regards to moving precious liquids across million of kilometres, he was pegged as the go-to-guy for the most critical of mission needs – getting beer to Mars.
With missions planned in 2030, the forward-thinking folks engaged in this project are grappling with the definitive issues of morale on what will be the most remote of human outposts. When breathable air itself is an issue, you best keep the troops happy on the rest breaks!
Ross applied himself to the task with typical vigour and expansive thought. With years of experience and contacts in the South Australian agricultural industry, he sought out a number of decommissioned grain silos, water tanks, wine vats and abandoned warehouses for scrap metal.
The goal? To build a prototype pressurised keg allowing transport of beer across the yawning distance between a local Australian brewery and the legendary Red Planet.
The Space Keg
Pictured above, the prototype (nicknamed “The Big V”) was completed in less time than local government could get together and ban its construction. Utilising donated labour along with the donated scrap, the finished container can hold over 42 million litres, which equates to roughly 78 Million imperial pints of beer.
When word of the project broke, the Victorian state government contacted Ross to see if the Big V could be booked. They wanted it as a back up in the event there was another re-play due to a draw at the Grand Final this year, again creating widespread beverage shortages.
Such noble intent could not be denied, and Ross bid The Big V a bon voyage as it was strapped onto a transport vessel.
On arrival, a state-appointed Committee had decided to examine the most energy-efficient use of The Big V in actual storage of chilled beverages. The Committee sank The Big V off of Philip Island, hoping the icy waters could be used as natural refrigeration. Disaster struck.
The original design of The Big V was specced for a lager, assuming the arid climate of Mars would be best met by a refreshing, lighter summer beer. The Committee, unaware of this, filled it with a dark stout. The vessel split due to the heavier mass of the brew, and the seals around Phillip Island celebrated a maritime beerfest of Brobdingnagian proportions.
Unflappable Ross took it all in stride, “It was a prototype, after all" his only comment. Plan for a MKII of The Big V includes the repurposing of 300,000 Leyland P76 automobiles and a decommissioned space shuttle. Watch this space.
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